17 Things I now do in, on or around the loo

I realised something the other day (whilst sitting on the loo): before I had kids, I never really thought about what I did in, on or around the loo. I don’t think anyone does to be fair.

All that happened in them / on them were Number Ones, Number Twos, ‘Ladies Business’ and the rather unpleasant business of vomiting. (Actually, during my post-uni years, when I lived in a shared flat rather fittingly nick-named ‘Club 36’ and maybe a just a few more units of alcohol than the recommended weekly amount was consumed, a ‘Vom Chart’ did get put up when ours was used for so much vomiting. Anyway, I digress….)

The point is, you did your business. On your own. And in the words of ‘Daniel Tiger‘ (man, how my life has changed!) you would “flush, and wash, and be on your way”.

Parenting: Toilet Parenting: Toilet Parenting: Toilet

(images from www.123rf.com)

And now? Now it seems that there are no boundaries. There are multiple categories of things that happen in, on or around the loo, that I never even thought were even ‘things’.

Reading, in, on or around the loo

  • 1) To be fair, there always has been and always will be book / magazine reading on the loo
  • 2) But now there’s reading to our 3YO while she’s on the loo
  • 3) Reading to our 3YO while I’m on the loo. I draw the line at letting her sit on my lap – eeww!!

Toilet / Potty training related activities

  • 4) Emptying the potty down the loo….!! We quickly gave up on the actual potty, and sat both the girls on a kids seat on the actual loo. Scraping poo and wee from the potty into the bowl was just too much
  • 5) Cleaning up huge puddles of week from the floor while undressing a wet child and trying to get them to ‘stay still’ so that wee footprints aren’t traipsed throughout the house
  • 6) Bottom wiping. 3 (nearly 4) YO can wipe her own bum, especially if it’s a wee. I tend to agree to wipe ‘number twos’ – its safer. But more often than not, I hear “It’s only a wee, but I still want you to wipe”
  • 7) Then, once I’ve wiped her bum (what I think is) dry, I’m told “it’s still wet”. So whole bum cheeks, thighs, backs of knees(!) all have to be wiped, then I have to feel with my hand to prove the dryness of her behind
  • 8) Invariably her knickers and leggings will have been taken off completely, so those need to be put back on. Cue: crouching down holding open leg holes while a wobbly 3YO grabs your shoulders / hair / jumper to stop herself falling into the loo while standing on one foot
  • 9) Big debates over who flushes the loo. Generally go with what 3YO says, only to be shouted at for doing so
  • 10) Big debates over who squeezes which soap on to whose hands, who creates bubbles, who turns on the tap, who turns off the tap, how hot/cold the water is, who dries whose hands, who hangs the towel. It’s important business. It gets fraught
  • 11) Breastfeeding! When our now 6YO was toilet training, she would settle in for a number two around bath-time. This was also prime cluster-feeding time for our then 2MO. Facing the choice of sitting with a nearly 3YO with a screaming 2MO, or with a calm, feeding 2MO, I chose feeding. Hence, sitting on the floor (criss-cross, apple sauce), 2MO on the boob, watching nearly 3YO doing a poo. NOT what you picture in your NCT breastfeeding class!

Inspection of poos(!)

  • 12) Sometimes the girls “want privacy”, no-one is allowed in the loo apart from them, their business is done discretely, toilet flushed, hands washed, on with the game / meal / homework etc. Sometimes not. On a regular basis the whole family is called over to “look at this one….!!” with great pride. Often it’s the size we have to admire, but sometimes it’s the colour – at which point, we have to work out which meal could have caused this particular hue of the poo. MUCH hilarity
  • 13) And occasionally, mine and hubby’s poos have to be inspected / admired by the girls regardless of whether we’ve invited them to or not. (We obviously never invite them)

Dispute resolution and general parenting, while on the loo

  • 14) “Mu-um, she did this, she said that” is often the cry as both girls march in, stand in front of me and demand my judgement in ‘3Y0 vs 6YO’
  • 15) Despite my loo trips literally being only minutes at the most, for some reason, they often act as a signal for the girls to turn up the dial on particularly dangerous, vindictive behaviour. So yes, I have had to call the girls in to the loo with me and talk with them about their behaviour, while bodily fluids and solids are exiting my body. Disgusting? Yes. Gaaahhhh……

42512428_sHome admin, while on the loo

  • 16) Yes, yes, we all sneak a peek at Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest when we pop to the loo – don’t judge me, don’t deny it. But I’m talking about getting sh*t done. (Excuse the pun.) I have:
    • a) placed amazon orders for birthday and christmas presents
    • b) replied to work emails
    • c) arranged playdates
    • d) made doctor’s appointments
    • e) paid bills
    • f) etc, etc, etc

Craving just a moment or two’s solitude

  • 17) Last week I’d managed to successfully work the dodgy lock on our toilet door and actually lock it shut. All I wanted to do was to have one minute to go to the loo by myself and not have the girls in, or or around me during that time. Obviously I was ‘needed’ immediately. I can’t remember what for, but I know it was a general question about life type of thing, not a life and death situation. But of course 6YO couldn’t wait. What does she do? She goes and gets a screwdriver and undoes the lock from the outside….!!!!

And there endeth my list of what I now do in, on or around the loo. I’m sure there’s so much more I’ve left out. But now the loo has become so woven into our daily lives, it’s hard to distinguish between loo-life and non-loo-life!

Please feel free to share your toilet stories. And I’d love to check them out (next time I’m on the loo).

Until the next time…

Elena x

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This entry was posted on Thursday, February 4th, 2016 and is filed under Parenthood, Poo, Vomit, Wee

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